Hateful kiss

One of the many things I do not like in this life is a wet kiss. I love to kiss and be kissed. Kissing per se is my favorite. I just hate a wet kiss.

One of the many reasons I do not like a wet kiss is the result it causes to my once clean and clear face. Women I know, women I do not know, i.e., those I meet in the streets, I ride with in trains with their boyfriend, in malls, in theaters…

To be honest, many times I felt like I wanted to commit suicide. I asked myself: "am I owned by the public? Do not have I the right to live a normal life?" For sure, I do not look like a statue of a saint because, for one, I move. Second, according to my mother, I am more handsome than they are. People kiss and adulate only statues. Why make me an exception--I move?!

Based on that ground alone, women should stay away from me. Surprisingly, those same qualities draw them nearer.

Let it be clear that I only complain about wet kisses. I do not mind besobeso.

I have resigned to my fate as the most kissable. Even the persons close to me, my cousins and friends, who should have a healthy contempt for me, could not help it.

But, by being close to me, I give the the privilege. (Talk about nepotism). I simply do not complain. But I do complain about them kissing wet the picture I gave them.

You see, a picture is easily destroyed by liquid. Is not saliva a liquid? I have to have my pictures taken almost every week so I have something to distribute like alms to my loved ones who beg them from me.

Cousin: "JP, give me another of your picture. The one you gave me is erased."

Me: "Why erased, ate?"

Cousin: "I keep on kissing it, it got destroyed by liquid."

Me: "God great, ate. How many times have you asked for my picture?"

Cousin: "JP, please, do not get angry. Just can’t help but kiss you when I see your face."

Me: "God be great, ate. I am sure you are aware that you are not the only cousin who ask pictures from me."

Cousin: "JP, here. Take this one thousand pesos. Go have a picture taken for me--please?"

Me: "Ate, it is not about money. It is about me going every week to the studio. I have done almost all the poses and the photographers are fast becoming allergic to me, ate."

Cousin: "JP, please…"

With a sweet and charming cousin like her, who could ever refuse?

How I break women's heart

There are a lot of men who email me asking how I break women’s heart.

I tell them, I tried--without success.

I do not really know what these women really like about me. I am clumsy, I bite my nails when I get scared, I do not know how to cross the streets of manila, I do not know how to use the fork when paired with a knife; I am unemployed, naturally, I do not pay our meals, etc.

In fact, please forgive me, I nag at them without reason just to drive them away.

Pathetically, even my nag sounds like music to their ears. Instead of getting angry, they become sweeter and more physical; would kneel and beg for forgiveness and understanding for creating the “spark” that caused the “explosion” of my emotions.

Am also human “born to make mistakes”, as the song goes. Who am I to deprive them of the forgiveness and understanding they seek when I too ask for the same from the One who has plenty of them?Besides, they have actually no fault after all.

I am not proud of what I do. I do them however for a purpose. And that purpose is to break their hearts so that they would leave me alone.

But I am without success. I have tried almost everything from dating without taking a bath, to wearing different kinds of shoes with every foot, to name a few.

But I am without success.

In my quest to break women’s hearts, it is mine which is broken as a result.

So, to my dear readers who ask me how I break women’s hearts, I tell you for the last time. I do not break their hearts. They break mine.

And to the women, I hate to say these here but I can’t say it in your face because I do not want to see you hurt. Please, stay away from me.

Do not visit me and do not call me. Please, do not even text me.